Final Fantasy ARSE
by Blood XIII
Summary: What would happen if you crammed Sephiroth, Cloud, Squall, Quistis and a whole mess of other FF characters into Balamb Garden? This. If possible, please Read and Review!
1. Chapter Zero

NOTICE! THIS IS NOT RELEVANT TO THE ACTUAL STORY. THIS IS SIMPLY ONE BIG AUTHOR'S NOTE. IF YOU WANT TO READ THE ACTUAL STORY, THEN SIMPLY CLICK THE "NEXT" BUTTON.

Hello there! If you're reading this, then I assume you either like Final Fantasy, or you're just trying to find something fun to do in your free time... Then again you could've just randomly found this lying on the net and decided, "This-Sounds-Worth-My-Time-And-Im-Bored-Anyway-So-Lets-Read-It" or something close to that. Final Fantasy A.R.S.E. (Alternate Reality Syndrome Experiment) is basically my view of what would happen if you crammed most of the Final Fantasy characters in one place, say….. Balamb Garden from Final Fantasy 8. First of all, let's get the boring legal and/or serious talk out of the way. I do not own any of the Final Fantasy characters, but I do however own the characters I specifically designed for A.R.S.E., and A.R.S.E. itself, so please don't steal either. If you like my story and wish to put it up on your site or use quotes or reference it, go ahead, but give me credit. My thanks go out to the person who created the flash video "Mixed In Balamb". This is what gave me my main idea for A.R.S.E... I fear I may have copied a little too much from their video... (If you're reading this, im sorry if im stepping on your toes... Don't kill and or sue me). I would also like to thank my ex-girlfriend, Crystel Dykes, for the initiating inspiration to A.R.S.E. Thanks also go to my other ex-girlfriend / Not-Bilogically-Related-Little-Sister (She says im like the big brother she never had), Jessica Watkins, for her support and ideas. Also also, thanks to my current girlfriend, Vanessa (AKA : 'FoxGod' on this site), for her support, ideas, and slight obsession with the story. Finally, thanks to my best friend Josh Rainwater, for almost 40 percent of the ideas and jokes in A.R.S.E… Now, onto other matters. Secondly, You're probably going to get about 3 chapters in and realize that only a few characters in A.R.S.E. act normal... relative to their game counterparts. This is because A.R.S.E. is a FANFICTION! So if you have any problem with the way I make the characters act, speak, and/or think, because they, "Are nothing like they are in the game", let me explain something to you friend._ Fanfiction_. Lets break it down and make this simple for you morons.

Fan-Someone who likes something from the media world (I.E. singer, movie, anime, game, actor, song, ETC.)

Fiction- (As described by "Webster's New World Dictionary") An imaginary statement, story, ETC.

Thus meaning...

Fanfiction-An imaginary story created by a fan of a certain media interest.

Thus meaning... I KNOW THEY DON'T ACT THE SAME! THAT WAS MY INTENTION YOU DUMBASS! That being said, we move on. Thirdly (Don't care if it's a real word or not), You'll also realize by about chapter 3... This is no 'G' rated fanfic... Not at all. This entire fic is completely uncensored (to the extent where I won't get booted off the net), and it can be very very vulgar and graphic at many times... almost 90 of the time actually. If you don't want your precious little child subjected to this, or if you think im, "Immature", then just don't read it. I, for one, am against censorship 110, and no one is gonna change my mind by protesting this story. You don't like it? Fine. But don't go and screw it all up for those who do by deleting it off the net, or you'll hear alot worse than the vulgarity and violence there is in this story from the people who care about it. Fourth, there are a few jokes and comments throughout A.R.S.E. dealing with religion and nationality. I AM NOT RACIST IN ANY WAY! I just put in things that seem funny at the time, or that I had heard one of my friends say. If anything in ARSE offends you racially or culturally, don't take it personally; it's just there for humor. Im from Kentucky, so I get lots of crap from people when I go out of state. I just play it off, ignore them, or use stereotypes about them to my advantage (Especially Canadians... I have nothing against Canadians... well, the French-Canadians are a bit too snooty for their own good... Anyways, all Canadians seem to like having "Stereotypical Debates" to see how much they can bomb on you before you run out of Canada jokes). Moving on again. Fifth and lastly, while I enjoy getting feedback, try to cut back on the "You-Should-Have-Done-This" type of feedback. Unless I realize something or get an Unnaturally good suggestion, I will not change past chapters. I am, however, always open to ideas for new chapters, and you can send me your ideas and feedback at Well, I think that about covers everything. Have fun reading A.R.S.E. I hope you enjoy my very random and askew version of the Final Fantasy world.

Here is a listing of character abbreviations and corresponding names

Qu-Quistis

Sep-Sephiroth

Cl-Cloud

Sq-Squall

Ze-Zell

Tif-Tifa

Ae-Aeris

Re-Red XIII

Vin-Vincent

Ba-Barret

Ri-Rinoa

Se-Selphie

Ir-Irvine

Sei-Seifer

Ru-Rufus

PR-Pocket Raijin

PF-Pocket Fujin

Ti-Tidus

Au-Auron

Yu-Yuna

Lu-Lulu

Rik-Rikku

Khi-Khimari

Zi-Zidane

Yuf-Yuffie

So-Sora

Wa-Wakka

Pai-Paine

Le-Leblanc

BM-Black Mage

Riku-Riku

Vi-Vivi

Do-Dona

Sh-Shelinda

An-Ansem

Ku-Kuja

Ed-Edea

Cid-Cid

HC-Headmaster Cid

Xu-Xu

When a new character is introduced in a chapter, thier abbreviation and name will be stated at the top of the document, so no worries there.

:ADDED 11/5/05:

Sorry i haven't posted any actual chapters, im trying to relocate the first notebook in the series so i can start (It's a total of 4 notebooks right now). As soon as i relocate the fur-jing thing, i will post the first chapter (Which BTW is called "Quest For The Golden Moogle").

:ADDED 11/16/05:

Ok, by demand of E-mails, requests by friends, and in order to get some more reviews, i will go ahead and post a chapter beyond chapter 1. Don't worry, the chapters don't actually go in numerical order... Well, except for the ones in which someone dies... Anyways, i'll just put up one of my earlier chapters, or maybe a really late one. Enjoy.


	2. Chapter Zero And A Half

Chapter 0.5

The Special Internet Debut Chapter

Note 1: Look at the simple chart below.

Rikku...From FF10

Riku...From Kingdom Hearts

Please check the spelling when you read these names. I am not female, i am not gay, and i have no intention of ever making (Or thinking of) a Sora & Riku yaoi pairing!

Aut: Hello all and welcome to the internet debut chapter of Final Fantasy A.R.S.E. If you haven't already read chapter 0, then you are an idiot for not reading the chapters in thier correct order, and you should do so now... Shame on all of you that this applies to. In this chapter, you will be given a sort of "Test Run" on what will happen later in A.R.S.E. You'll get to know some characters, you'll learn that this fanfic has lots of swearing and violence, and you may even learn something about yourself. Now to take you on a tour of Balamb Garden, i give you the lovely Quistis Trepe.

Qu: ... Welcome to Balamb... Everyone here is a complete and total moron and/or crazy homicidal freak and/or suicidal nutcase and/or really apealing to male fans... That was your tour of Balamb, please exit to the left and watch your step.

Aut: ...(Sarcastically) I can tell you're overjoyed at this tour idea, Quistis.

Ze: WHOO! YEAH! GO QUISTIS! GREATEST TOUR GUIDE IN THE WORLD! RIGHT ON!

Qu: (Sigh) Fine, I'll be a tour guide for today.. This is Zell, he's the village idiot of Balamb... He likes... (Mutters) Hot dogs.

Ze: WHERE! GIMME MY HOT DOGS NOW!

Qu: To your right is my classroom... Which i will gladly save for last. In the mean time, follow me to the left, where i will show you some of the other things Balamb has to offer.

Ze: Like the hot dogs in the cafeteria!

Qu: (Grabs the back of Zell's head and smashes it into a wall)

Ze: (Unconcious)

Qu: Let's move on. (Walks down a long hallway) Over to your right, you will see the Ragnarok... Or as the students have come to call it... Airship of Pointy Red Shiney-ness... To your left, there is a vast amount of blood on the wall from the last time Sephiroth got pissed at Ninja Gaiden and killed some random NPC's here. (Turns down another hallway) The door on your left leads to Headmaster Cid's office. He's the guy that tries to run this psychosematic nuthouse. Down the hall a bit and to the right is the door to Cid's Shop... Im of course talking about Cid from FF7. At the end of this hallway is Cid's room... Cid from FF10 that is...

Vin: 10 Sucked.

Qu: This is Vincent. Vincent here dresses like a vampire, acts like a vampire, and sometimes thinks he's a vampire... But he's really just some badass in dark clothing carrying around some guns.

Vin: **_SOME_** Guns! I've got a whole fucking artillary in this cloak! (Throws his cloak back, lots of guns are revealed) S&W Pistols, a magnum, a Mauser, an M16, an AK-47, a S.P.A.S. a class 3 RPG, and finally, my pride and joy. An S2-AM Sniper Rifle, and the M 19 SPNK launcher, both from halo.

Qu: ... As Vincent kinda demonstrated, self-defense is a very important thing in Balamb... I think he demonstrated it... I mean... Why else would he carry around so many guns?

Vin: Because it's cool.

Ni: Mm-hmm.

Qu: This is Nimbus, Cloud's... from FF7... Twin sister.

Ni: Yep... And im older by 13.4 seconds... Don't forget that or i'll kill you... Unless you give me some Gil.

Qu: Nimbus here is a bit obsessed with money.

Ni: No im not... Im VERY obssesed with money.

Qu: Anyways, we now move onto the last room in Hallway C... Edea's room... We're not allowed in there... (Goes down another hallway) Here, we have the... Fuck.

Ze: (Pops out from a corner. Gasp) CAFETERIA! GIMME MY HOT DOGS!

(A Gunblade flies out of nowhere. The hilt hits Zell on the back of the head, knocking him out)

Sq: Hell yeah! 2 points for me!

Sei: Damn you! You and damned heroic abilities! If i wasn't a villan, i could've done that!

Qu: This is Squall and Seifer... From FF8 for those who care to keep track.

Sq: Who ya talkin to, Quistis? (Looks at the reader) OMG! IT'S THE FULL SCALE INVAISION OF THE GIANT PEOPLE FROM PLANET KARSCHNESCHSHISHLASCHVOEHHK! EVERYBODY RUN! (Starts to run away and slams into a wall)

Sei: YES! MY LEIGON OF MINIONS HAS FINALLY ARRIVED FROM THE UPS MAN!

Qu: (Sigh) ... Just think... I have to put up with this EVERY **SINGLE** **_FUCKING_** **_DAY!_**

Re: Heya Quistis.

Vi: WTF's goin' on here?

Ku: LOOOKIT! Big peoples in the windows... Eeewwww... That one looks like a Shemale...

Yuf: I can kill them all with my mighty shuriken!

Yu: DEATH! WHERE! HIDE ME!

Qu: This is Red XIII, Vivi, Kuja, Yuffie, and Yuna... All from either FF7, 9, or 10... You can figure that one out for yourself, im not gonna fuckin' explain everything... Wait, why're you guys out here anyways?

Ku: SSSSSHHHHHH! Be vewy, vewy quiet. Im hunting Mexicans... Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Vi: (Blasts him with Thundaga) SHUT UP YOU INSOLENT FOOL!

Yuf: Well...

Yu: DEATH!

Re: (Headbutts Yuna, knocking her out) Sephiroth is being crazy again.

Qu: What did he do this time?

Vi: He thinks hes a L33T hacker... He keeps ranting in L33T... I can't understand a damn word of L33T...

Ri: (Walks up) OMFG. GG Noob, GG.

Qu: ... This is Rinoa from FF8... Why in the hell are you talking like that?

Ri: Im getting in the spirit of the internet debut chapter! LOOK! (Pulls off the white dress she is wearing For those who have played VIII, It's the dress she wore at the SeeD Ball)

Sei: WHOOO! UNDIES!... Wait...

Ri: (Under the dress she is wearing black pants with the "0V3RCL0CK3D" symbol on the right leg, and a dark blue shirt with the words "1 PWN N0085!" in light green)

Aut: Wow... I didn't know Rinoa could seem so... Badass...

Ae: WHO WANTS TO PLAY HALO 2?

Tif: IF YOU CAN BEAT US, WE'LL FLASH YOU!

(Thousands of resonating "Thumps" fill the air around the world as fanboys reading this try to jump into their PC's screen)

Qu: Girls... I...

(A blur flies past the group standing in the hallway, and stops before Tifa and Aeris... It's Cloud)

Cl: I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, FAIR MAIDENS!

PUW: HELL YEAH BIZZITCH! WE"S GON' GET DOWN IN DA HIZZERE! DA ULTIMA WEAPON DONE GON' GET 'IMSELF SOME ASS UP IN 'ER!

Qu: Cloud, didn't i tell you to find a way to get that damned thing to shut up?

PUW: THING! BITCH, I IS DA ULTIMA! DA MOST POW'FUL SWORD ON DA PLANET, SO YOU JUS' SHUT 'CHO PRETTY LIL' MOUTH, YA STUPID S&M TEACHA!

Qu: (Eyebrow twitching)

PUW: Damn... I mean... Uh...

Cl: I think you screwed yourself over there, bud.

PUW: Man, fuck you!

Qu: Forget it! Im not gonna be a tour guide anymore! (Goes into the door on the right... The door is marked **_"THE JANITOR'S CLOSET #83546_**"... Below is a piece of notebook paper with "DU KNOT INTUR" written on it... In Magic Marker... In 5 different colors)

Aut: ... Oops.

Se: (Runs up to the group) GUYS!

Qu: (Steps out of the closet. Between deep breaths) I... Don't... Even... Want... To... Know... What... The... Hell... That... Was...

Se: QUISTY!

Qu: (Jumps as Selphie screams) WHAT!

Ir: (Runs up behind Quistis) SEPHIROTH"S DOING HIS CRAZY STUFF AGAIN!

Qu: (Stops cringing As she was doing so the whole time Irvine was screaming) That's great for him.

Se: No... REEEEEALLLLY crazy stuff...

Qu: like?

Se & Ir: (Grab her by the arms and begin running towards Quistis's classroom)

(Everyone standing in the hall follows them)

(Within seconds the group stands before the classroom door)

Qu: Now then... What's this great crisis? (Opens the door)... Whoa...

Ri: What? (Peeks around the door) OMFG WTF!

Au: (Sits at his desk surrounded by empty beer bottles) HIC Do Wha? HIC

Qu: Not you!

(PLEASE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SEE NOTE 1 AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER...IF YOU HAVEN"T DONE SO ALREADY DO IT NOW! Rikku lies ontop of a desk, Sora is on top of her, and they are making out very VERY passionatly. They stop for a second)

So: Huh?

Rik: What?

Qu: No, not you two either!

So: ...Oh...

(Sora and Rikku resume their... Activities)

An: (Making a sphere of darkness) Hmm?

Qu: (Eyebrow twitching again) Not you...

Lu: (Pole dancing in a corner) Me?

Qu: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IM TALKING ABOUT SEPHIROTH!

Sep: (Sitting at his desk, madly typing away on his computer built into the desk. Paine sits next to him, leaning on his shoulder) Oh, heya Quistis. 'Sup?

Qu: Sephiroth... What... Pray tell... Are you fucking doing now?

Sep: Me?

Qu: You.

Pai: Him?

Qu: Him.

Ze: (Runs into the room) ZELL!

All: (Stare at him)

Ze: ... Im gonna go... Eat a hot dog now... (Runs out)

Pai: He's practicing his L33T hacking skills, isn't that right Sephy?

Sep: Yup! Guys! Lookie! Im L33T hacking E-Bay! I can make this life sife statue life statue of Darth Vader made from Reese's cups and Kit-Kats cost only a half penny!

Qu: (Looks at Selphie) that's your big crisis! Wait... I don't think you can spend only half of a penny Sephiroth... not in the U.S. anyways

Sep: ... THEN I SHALL HACK _THEM _!

Qu: (Sigh) Sephiroth, you can't hack a...

(A loud "Beep" suddenly covers the entire planet)

Qu: (Pulls a penny out of her pocket)... OH MY GOD HE DID IT!

Ze: (Pops back into the room) Did what? Won a lifetime supply of hot dogs?

Qu: No, hacked the pennies!

Ze: Cool... Did he make them into hotdogs?

All: (Slap him)

Qu: No, he...

All: (Get closer to the penny in Quistis's hand)

Qu: He...

All: (Get even closer)

Qu: He...

All: (Get even closer than before)

Qu: He...

All: (Only about 3 inches from the penny)

Qu: He took Lincoln's face off the penny and replaced it with his face!

All: ... **_WHAT?_**

Sq: (Stroking a penny) Im gonna call you... Pennyroth!

Qu: Sephiroth! Restore the pennies to thier original state.

Sep: Ah, but Quistis...

Qu: **_NOW!_**

Sep: (Terrified)... Yes ma'am.

(Another loud "beep" covers the planet)

Qu: Thank you.

Sep: (Eyes glow an eerie blue) **DAMN YOU WOMAN! YOU'VE RUINED MY PLANS FOR GLOBAL DOMINATION YET AGAIN! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD! I WILL HAVE IT! **(Back to normal. To Paine) Wanna go **CENSORED**?

Pai: Hell yes!

(Paine and Sephiroth run off to Paine's room)

Qu: Everyone... Leave...

Cl: What for?

Qu: (Her eyes are demonic and red) I... SAID... LEAVE!

All: (Run out of the room)

Qu: (Sits at her desk)... I fuckin' hate you.

Aut: C'mon, they're not as bad as you make them out to be.

Qu: You're right... They're worse.


	3. Chapter 21 : FF Goes To Canada, Eh?

Ok, since I couldn't get the 2nd notebook back from Jess (CURSE YOU!), I will be posting a later chapter than originally hoped. Once I'm actually able to post earlier chapters, they will be put in numerical order, in the meantime, just stick with this.

Also, I AM NOT RACIST AGAINST CANADA! This chapter was basically made after I watched the South Park movie for an entire summer straight, and I wanted to do my own thingin about Canada. Most of this isn't true (Unless otherwise stated), and no, not every Canadian says "Eh?" and "Aboot".

-----------------------

Extra Characters

CM1-Canadian Mountie 1

C1-Canadian 1

C2-Canadian 2

Str-Straata (Cloud & Tifa's son... I made him up)

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Final Fantasy A.R.S.E. -- Chapter 21 – Final Fantasy Goes To Canada, Eh?

-----------------------

All: (Singing) Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

Yuf: With all Their beady little eyes that packed our heads so full of lies!

All: Blame Canada! Blame Canadaaaaaaa!

Vin: They're not even a real country anyway!

Qu: (Walks in, whispers to self.) Why me? (Inhales deeply) **SIT DOWN NOW!**

All: (Quickly sit down, quiet)

Qu: (Smiles, walks to her desk, sits down, and stares at her class)

All: (Stare at her)

Qu: (Thinking) Don't say it Straight out… They'll go insane… Say anything to hint around it, but don't say it directly. Don't say it exactly. Don't say… (Out loud, voice cracking) …We're going to Canada.

All: (Still staring)

(20 Seconds pass)

Cl: (In an unnaturally happy tone) We're what?

Qu: Going to Canada.

Cl: Oh….. Okay.

(40 Seconds pass)

All: **WHY!**

(Everyone is yelling and arguing)

Sep: What educational value does Canada have? All they do is make Maple Syrup! …… MMMMM……. Syrup………

Vin: Actually, Canada's only got about 200 trees total, so most of the Maple Syrup is artificial.

Re: Isn't that where the Niagara Falls are?

Yu: Waterfalls scare me…. In fact, so does Maple Syrup….

Ni: Doesn't everything in Canada cost more?

Ze: (Jumps up on his desk) **CANADA IS AN ENTIRE COUNTRY NAMED 'DOUG'!**

All: (Stop and stare)

Qu: (Still sits, unchanged) All that maybe true, but…

Ku: Canada Fuckin' sucks.

Qu: (Demonic red eyes) **I… WAS… TALKING…**

Ku: (Terrified) R-Right… G-G-Go on…..

Qu: (Normal) … But we're still going, and that help can't be helped, so lets make the best of it.

Sep: (Eyes glow blue) **YES… LET US BLOCK THE FALLS… THUS SABOTAGING THEIR ONLY TOURIST ATTRACTION!**

Qu: (Still unchanged) That's not what I meant.

Ze: What did you meant?

Qu: I meant we stay in the Ragnarok for all 9 days.

All: **NINE DAYS!**

Qu: (Gets up) Unfortunately so… and we leave now. (Walks out of the room)

All: (Sit defiantly)

Qu: (Pops her head back in) The Headmaster expected this. He said if you don't come, then you won't be fed…

All: (Groan, get up and begin to leave)

Re: HA! Inferior humans! I can go for 2 weeks without food!

Qu: …For a month.

Re: ……….. That's cheap. (Follows everyone else)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(On the Ragnarok)

Vin: I hate Canada. Nothing but a bunch of 'Eh-ing' retards running around in jumpsuits.

Qu: (Facial expression hasn't changed once since the start of the chapter, gets on the Ragnarok) Are we ready?

All: (Glare at her)

Qu: I'll take that as a 'Yes'. (Clicks on the P.A. system on the wall next to her) Cid, ready for takeoff.

Cid: (Voice comes out of the intercom, sounds really angry) Yeah. Sure. Right. Whatever. I fuckin' hate Canada.

(The Ragnarok takes off)

Sep: (Walks over to Quistis) Quistis?

Qu: Yes, Sephiroth?

Sep: Quistis?

Qu: Yes, Sephiroth?

Sep: Quistis?

Qu: Yes, Sephiroth?

Sep: Quistis?

Qu: Yes, Sephiroth?

Sep: Okay, it's official. Her brain's fried.

Qu: No Sephiroth, I just don't see any point in yelling at you 'cause you'll just do it again later, and the fact that we're going to Canada already depresses me to no end.

Sep: Oh…… Why?

Qu: Don't make me hurt you.

Sep: (Slowly moves away)

Ze: (Suddenly kicks open the door to his room on the Ragnarok. It flies out and hits the wall with a loud **'WHAM!'**) EVERYONE! I have an announcement!

All: (Look at him strangely)

Ze: Holds up a stool and a Rubik's Cube) I have mated with this stool through 3 sweaty, passion filled nights, and produced this Rubik's Cube!

All: (Still staring)

Sq: (Walking back from the kitchen) Hmm? What's everyone lookin' at? (Notices the Rubik's Cube in Zell's hand) **OOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!** (Eyes get all big and sparkly) **PRETTY COLORS! **(Dives at it, snatches it out of Zell's hand, Rolls across the floor, jumps to his feet, and snuggles it against his face)

Ze: My…. My baby!

Qu: (Sniff)

Sep: (Turns to look at her)

Qu: (Has tears welling up in the corners of her eyes)

Sep: You okay Quisty?

Qu: (Falls to her knees, puts her face in her hands, sobbing loudly) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!

Sep: I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME!

Tif: (Walks over to Quistis, gets on her knees as well, and puts her arms around Quistis) It's okay Quisty. We'll be in Canada in about 12 hours.

Qu: (Looks at her) (Sniff, sniff) (Tears begin poring out of her eyes in "Anime-Water-Faucet-Tears" style, between sobs) THAT'S THE POI-I-I-I-INT!

Vin: (Sigh) Well, Quistis finally lost it... Who wants a beer?

Au: I DO!

Qu: (Still crying) **IM SICK AND** (Sniff) **TIRED OF THE DAMNED SCHOOL** (Sniff) **TELLING ME** (Sob) **TO TAKE YOU GUYS ON** (Sniff) **THESE IDIOTIC** (Sob) **FIELD TRIPS!**

Tif: (Still holding her) So why don't you just... Not take us on the idiotic field trips?

Qu: (Stops crying) I never thought of that. (Stands up)

Tif: (Stands up as well)

Qu: Thank you Tifa... And you may want to go change you clothes.

Tif: Why? (Looks down, her clothes are soaked from Quistis' tears; her breasts are easily visible through her wet, white tank top) Oh... (Looks up)

(All the guys Except Squall are staring at her)

Sq: (Looks up from his Rubik's Cube) Huh? Wha? Oh, boobs? (Looks back down at his Rubik's Cube) That's nice...

Tif: (Quickly runs to her room)

Cl: (Runs after her) Hey Tifa, Lemme Help!

All: (Stares as they run off)

Qu: OKAY THEN!

All: (Look at her strangely)

Qu: (Slams her fist into her open palm) I've decided! The school can tell me to teach you deadly magic, It can send us on death quests to retrieve deadly Aeons, GF's, and Materia, they can even record me on tape when i'm all alone in my room and... (10 Second pause)... Eating donuts! But they can't, not in a million years, force us to go to Canada!

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(10 Hours later, at the Canada/U.S. borderline)

Ze: HEY SEPHIROTH! Lookie! I'm in the U.S... (Jumps over a yellow line. On one side it says "U.S." The opposite side says "Canada")... Now I'm in Canada! (Jumps over the line again) U.S... (Jumps)... Canada... (Jumps)... U.S... (Jumps)... Canada... (Jumps)... U.S...

Sep: (Runs over to him) Lemme try that!

Qu: (On her knees again, crying by the Ragnarok)

Tif: (Holding her again, this time wearing a raincoat) It's okay Quisty, everyone's conscience gets the best of them sometimes...

Qu: **BUT IT NEVER** (Sob) **DID** (Sniff) **BEFORE!**

Tif: Well, that just means that you're a strong willed...

Qu: **I MEAN I** (Sniff) **NEVER EVEN HAD A** (Sob) **CONCIENCE **(Sniff, sob) **BEFORE!**

Tif: ... CLOUD! Quistis is scaring me!

Cl: (At the Ragnarok's entry bay, far, far away from them, yelling) **KEEP IT UP; YOU'RE DOING GREAT, TIFA!**

(Over at the borderline)

Sep: (Jumps)... U.S... (Jumps)... Canada... (Jumps)... U.S... (Jumps)... Canada... (Jumps)... U.S... (Jumps)... Canada...

Voice: **HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, EH!**

Sep: (Stops on the Canada side) Huh-Wha?

(A guy in a black hat, huge black pants, and a red long-sleeved, button-up shirt tackles him)

Sep: (Rolls over, looks up) OW! What the fu... (Eyes widen, gasp) **OH MY GOD!** (Cheesy smile) **IT'S A REAL LIVE CANADIAN MOUNTIE!**

CM1: What's all this aboot?

Qu: (Who somehow magically stopped crying) We are class #165 from Balamb garden. We are on a field trip to your lovely country of Canada.

Ni: -COUGH- CANADA SUCKS -COUGH-

CM1: Balamb? Oh, you're those 'Final Fantasy' guys, Eh?

Qu: Y-Yes... That's us...

CM1: Really? Oh my son's got all of your games, Eh? All he ever does is talk aboot the graphics and aboot the storylines and aboot the characters... Actually, he showed me a picture of that there 'Jenova' once, Eh? I tell ya, I could've sworn that it was a real alien from space, Eh? Oh yeah, my son wanted me to ask you aboot somethin' when you guys got here, Eh? How come all your guys' games go in numerical order, but the only real sequel was X-2? What's that aboot, Eh?

Qu: (Stares at him blankly, eyebrow twitches)

CM1: (Looks at his watch) OH CANADA! Would ya look at the time, Eh! Okay, just turn 12,864,876 centimeters to the Northeast, keep straight for 5 kilometers, I see you need gas, so fill 'er up with aboot 25,000 liters of fuel at that station there, then turn 20 degrees Southwest, and keep a diagonal path for 11.6 kilometers, and you'll be at the falls, Eh?

Qu: (Still staring blankly)... Could you repeat that in English?

Cid: (Over the P.A. system) It's okay Quistis, I already got it.

CM1: Good luck to ya, Eh?... **AND YOU THERE, WHITE HAIR!**

Sep: Me?

CM1: I know who you are!

Sep: **NO YOU DON'T!**

CM1: 'Course I do! I'm tellin' the boys back at command to keep an eye on you... (Jumps onto a white horse which apparently materialized into thin air)... Shinra Warrior Sephiroth. (Rides away)

Qu: (Standing in the Ragnarok's entry bay) Sephiroth! We're waiting on you, C'mon!

Sep: Coming Quistis! (Taps the earpiece in his ear) This is Number 5, the Mounties are onto me. Repeat, the Mounties are onto me.

Voice: (From earpiece, sigh) Good for you.

Sep: You don't understand, the mission could be in danger!

Qu: **SEPHIROTH, NOW!**

Sep: JUST A SEC! (To earpiece) Just send me some decent weaponry via Airdrop. Coordinates... Um... Uh... J-Just follow the Ragnarok.

Voice: Ok... Sure... Whatever.

Sep: Solid Sephiroth, over and...

Qu: **NOW!**

Sep: (Quickly runs onto the Ragnarok)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(In the control room)

Qu: Canadians... Scare... Me...

Cid: (At the controls, punching in coordinates)

Qu: Cid, how the hell did you understand anything that Canadian said?

Cid: Oh, that's easy. Just take away the "Eh's", change the "Aboots" to "Abouts", turn it all into common sense using computer simulated process of elimination, then... (Looks at Quistis)

Qu: (Staring at him blankly)

Cid: ... Just use the Windows Translator.

Qu: (Cocks an eyebrow) You actually trust that thing?

Cid: HELL NO! That's why I had the Macintosh Translator double-check it.

Qu: (Moves over to the intercom, clicks it on) Quistis to all students... We're fucked. Thank you. (Clicks it off, walks over to a wall, beats her head against the wall repeatedly)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(30 minutes later in the lounge on the Ragnarok, a small group sits in the floor)

Ze: Canadian Bacon.

Cl: Maple Syrup.

Sq: Waterfalls.

Re: Mountains.

Au: Booze!

Ri: Uh… Um… **PANTIES!**

An: …….And what are you guys doing?

Ri: We're trying to name all the good stuff in Canada.

An: ….You can get a lot of that stuff anywhere… Especially panties.

Ri: (Jumps up) **NOT YUNA'S YOU CAN'T!**

All: (Stare at her)

Yu: (Walks in) Did I hear my name?

Qu: (Over the P.A. system) We are now landing… I don't know how the hell we go here….

Cid: (In the background) **YEAH! THANK GOD FOR MACS!**

Ze: (Runs to a window, he slams into the window with a **"THWACK!" **Then a long "UUUUUUUUURRREEEEEEEEEEEEKKK" My sound for skin sliding against glass, as he slowly falls to the floor)

All: (walk over to the window and look out) OOOOOOOOOOOHHHH……….

(Niagara Falls is almost directly below them)

Ze: (Jumps up) Whatcha guys lookin' at?….. **HOLY FUCK!**……. That some purty water!

Cl: (Grabs the back of Zell's head and slams it against the glass)

Ze: (Falls back to the ground, unconscious)

Cl: He must be becoming more and more immune to concussions or something.

Ze: (Opens his eyes) I think so to.

Cl: (Stomping on Zell's head) **STAY DOWN, FOOL! QUIT GETTING UP!**

(The Ragnarok lands on the street and the surrounding buildings near the falls)

All: (Run outside) Woooooooowww…..

(They stare at literally the hundreds of random shops and attractions around them I.E. Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museums, Indoor/Outdoor Mini-golf, Haunted Tours, The OFFICIAL Hershey's Chocolate Store, and souvenir shops)

Vin: Wow, this place is like Disneyworld, Busch Gardens, Gatlinburg Tennessee, and 7 other theme parks combined…

Yuf: Isn't Gatlinburg that makeshift German city with the go-karts and stuff?

Vin: No, Gatlinburg the dog food company… (Angry) **OF COURSE THE MAKESHIFT GERMAN CITY WITH THE GO-KARTS AND STUFF YOU STUPID KUNOICHI!**

Aut: If you've actually been to Gatlinburg, then you won't have trouble picturing the first 2 miles of Canada near the falls… It's nothing but a Tourist Trap.

Vi: **GOD'S TALKING TO ME AGAIN!**

Aut: Vivi, shut up. I've killed off Black Mage and I can kill off you too.

Vi: ….. What were you doing in Tennessee anyways, Vincent.

Vin: Hey, Little Floaty Guy, you wanna keep those legs so you CAN walk?

Vi: (Floating away) Just wondering… Jeez.

Yuf: So now what?

Ze: EVERYONE SCATTER!

Aut: **WAIT!**

(No one had even moved)

Aut: First, everyone put on these.

(Padded helmets fall from the sky)

Qu: Do you really think anything could damage their heads?

Aut: It's for the protection of the Canadian citizens…. I can't guarantee the strength of THEIR skulls.

Qu: Good point.

Aut: And Zell…

Ze: Hmm?

Aut: This time, wait for me to activate the special effects.

Ze: Ok.

(10 Seconds pass)

Aut: Alright, now.

Ze: (In slow motion, 40 different dramatic camera angles of his face every half second) **SSSSSSSCCCCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR!**

Aut: Yes, that's really how it sounds slowed down.

All: (Run in different directions)

Sq: (Still playing with his Rubik's Cube while running) WHHEEEEE! (Slams into a lamppost)

Aut: (Sigh) I knew that thing would cause trouble.

Sq: (Falls onto the ground) Owie…. (Sits up. Gasp) I-I-IS that….

(A Souvenir shop sits in front of him. A Canadian Rubik's Cube sits in the window Every side of it has the Canadian flag on it, Holy-fied music plays)

Sq: (Squeals like a little girl, runs in)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(Meanwhile, at the closest observation point of the falls)

Sep: This is #5 to base, come in base.

Voice: (From earpiece) Now what?

Sep: I have arrived at Niagara Falls, permission to proceed with operation "Splodey Time"

Voice: Yes, whatever, go ahead…. Just leave us alone.

Sep: Affirmative. Solid Sephiroth, over and out. (Pulls out a rocket launcher like device and aims it at the falls) Say goodbye to your tourists, Canada! (Fires it, a single stick of dynamite flies out and lodges into the cliff next to the falls) Heh. That's one down… (Flips a switch on the side, the HUD on the gun now reads "AUTOMATIC FIRE")… **20,000,000,000 LEFT TO GO!** (Begins firing insanely) **TAKE THIS CANADA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHA!**

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(At the furthest observation point of the falls)

C1: (Looking through binoculars) Hey there Frank, would ya take a look at this here, Eh? (Hands Canadian 2 the binoculars)

C2:Oh, that's just another one of them crazy tourists that wanna try to ride the falls, Eh?

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(Outside the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum)

Yuf: Well, that was stupid. What's next?

Ze: (Gasp) H-…..

Ri: Don't say hot dogs!

Sq: **HEY GUYS! **(Runs over to them) Want a Canadian Rubik's Cube?

Yuf: No thanks…. It's the same on every side?

Yu: No……. Cubes scare me…..

Yuf: Yuna, **_EVERYTHING_** scares you.

Ri: Hey everyone! Lookit! (Pointing across the street)

(Across the street sits a brand new Volkswagen Beetle)

All (Except Yuna): **OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH…..**

Ze: **PREEEEEEEETTYY GREEEEEEENNNN……**

Yu: It scares me… Cars are dangerous…

Sq: **EVERYONE PILE IN! I'M DRIVING!**

Yu: **THAT'S EVEN MORE DANGEROUS!**

(Yuffie, Zell, and After much force and resistance Yuna get in the back seat. Squall hops in the driver's side, and Rinoa gets in the passenger seat.)

Sq: **HERE WE GO! **(Hot wires the Beetle, It starts. He revs it's engine, shifts into first, the Beetle burns out, and they drive off)

Yu: (Screaming)** I'M GONNA DIE!**

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(8 hours later, on the Ragnarok)

Qu: Okay, lemme get this straight. Cloud says that Vincent said that Tifa said that Auron drank with a Canadian who saw Red who saw Aeris who said that Kuja said that he saw Yuna, Rinoa, Squall, Yuffie, and Zell steal a Volkswagen Beetle and drive off into the Canadian wilderness?

Lu: That's what I heard.

Qu: Then why didn't you just say that Kuja saw them drive off instead of giving me that humongous time stalling, utterly useless, and Inserted-By-The-Author-For-Plot-Convenience list of people?

Lu: Um….

Qu: Um?

Lu: **IT WAS VIVI'S IDEA!**

Vi: (Flies in from out of nowhere) **YA CAN'T STICK ALL THIS ON ME, YA DUMB BROAD!**

Qu: (In a heavy Brooklyn accent) **CAN IT, **And Author, Whattaya tink yow doin'! 'Dis ain't no Dick Tracey Chapter!

Aut: (Cheesy smile) Tee Hee… Couldn't resist.

Qu: So where are they now?

Vi: We don't know…. Come to think of it, where's Big, White, and Scary?

Lu: Auron?

Vi: What? **NO! SEPHIROTH YA DUMB GOTH!**

Lu: (Evil demonic eyes) Do you like those legs?

Vi: Yeah…

Lu: (Almost growling) **WANNA KEEP 'EM!**

Pai: Sephy said something about sabotaging the falls.

Qu: (Who had jumped when Paine spoke) Where'd you come from!

Pai: Uhhh….. The door…. Duh.

(The Ragnarok suddenly takes off)

Qu: (Clicks on the intercom) Cid, what's going on?

Cid: I've got a lock on all 5 of them in the mountains. We're goin' to pick 'em up!

Qu: Well, next time let us know before you take off like that, Eh?

(Dead silence for 15 seconds)

Qu: **OH MY GOD IM TURNING CANADIAN!**

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(4 Miles from the falls)

Yuf: Four... Miles... 4 Miles, Squall.

Sq: (Still playing with his Rubik's Cube)

Yuf: At least I could've got us 5 miles... **AND I'M 14!**

Sq: (Still playing with the Rubik's Cube) Wasn't my fault.

Yuf: WHY wasn't it your fault?

Sq: (Still playing with it) The tree in the middle of the road kept moving when I did.

Yuf: (Anime vein on her forehead) **THAT WAS THE AIR FRESENER, SQUALL!**

Sq: (Completes a side of the Rubik's Cube) So **THATS **why the tree was blue...

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(At the falls)

Sep: There we go.

(Well over 300 million sticks of dynamite are sticking out of random places on the cliffs)

Sep: Now... (Pulls out a remote detonator)... Say good-bye to the Horseshoe Falls! (Pushes the button)

(Nothing happens)

Sep: What the...

(Suddenly, half the dynamite explodes... Except the 'Dynamite' is actually Fireworks)

Sep: WHAT THE...

(The rest of the fireworks go off as well)

Sep: **WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!**

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(4 Miles away)

(The group has walked south By Yuffie's compass for 30 minutes now)

Yuf: Just what I've always dreamed of. A four mile hike through Canada, where you pass by the same damn tree **EVERY 10 SECONDS!**

Ze: This is kinda like a camping trip.

Sq: (Still playing with the Rubik's Cube) What camp are we at?

Ri: How about "Camp Wherdahekarwee?"

Yu: (Suddenly cringes) I hear explosions.

Sq: (Still playing with it) I hear rabbits.

Ri: I hear Maple Syrup.

Yuf: I hear idiots.

Ze: (Falls to his knees) **WE'RE LOST IN THE FIVE TREE FOREST THAT IS CANADA!**

Sq: (Yes, he's still playing with the Rubik's Cube) Nope. Six trees.

Yuf: Oh my god, **THE ROAD IS JUST BEYOND THESE... **(Moves some bushes aside and beyond them is lots and lots of trees)... We're lost.

Ze: **IN THE SIX TREE FOREST!**

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(On the Ragnarok, somewhere above the mountains)

Qu: We go to find 5 students from Balamb, but instead we a living tree, a drunk Canadian named Steve, Ike from South Park, a guy in a penis suit, and Chuck Norris... (Turns to a wall, repeatedly beats her head on it)

Vi: Can we keep 'em Quisty?

Str: Yeah, can we?

Qu: (Still beating her head on the wall) Sure. Why not? I don't care anymore. I really don't.

Cid: (Over the intercom) I've really got 'em this time. They've been walking in a circle around 6 trees for 40 minutes.  
(The Ragnarok takes off)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(At the falls)

Sep: (To mic on earpiece) What happened!

Voice: (From earpiece) We gave you fireworks.

Sep: FUCK YOU!

Voice: The crates said "Boom Boom's Fireworks" on the side... We thought you'd notice.

Sep: FUCK ME!

Voice: God you're stupid.

Sep: FUCK US!

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(4 Miles away)

Ze: (Pointing at the ground) Everyone look! Footprints! **WE ARE NOT ALONE!**

Yuf: (Thinking) **I'M** gonna count to 10, then **HE'S** goin' 6 feet under!

(A low roar is heard)

Yu: (Panicking) **WHAT'S THAT!**

All: (Look up to see the Ragnarok slowly stop and hover above them)

Sq: (Still playing with the Rubik's Cube) What? We're leaving? Ok.

(Shutters on the Ragnarok's bottom open, a grav lift beam comes down and lifts them off the ground)

Yu: (Only 3 feet off the ground) **NO! I'M TOO HIGH UP! I WANNA GET OFF!**

(Once they are inside, the shutters close, the Ragnarok turns a bit, then launches forewords)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(In the control room)

Cid: Just one more...

Sei: Can't we just leave him?

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(At the falls)

Sep: (Floating in the river in a steel barrel. He's about to go over the falls)

Voice: (From earpiece) Why are we getting this live video feed?

Sep: **MWA-HAHAHAHA!** Watch as I go over the falls and activate all 40 Lbs. of C4 on this barrel!

Voice: It's not C4... It's just a bunch of Blackcat Firecrackers.

Sep: (Stares blankly, pushes a button on the detonator)

(Hundreds of loud cracks fill the air... Then complete silence Minus the roaring of the falls of course)

Sep: **FUCK! **(Starts to go over the falls) Uh-oh... I forgot to make an exit on this thing... (Goes over the edge of the falls) **FUCK ME!**

(The Ragnarok swoops down from above, and opens the shutters on the bottom. The grav beam lifts him and about 600 Lbs. of water into the Ragnarok)

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(In the control room)

Cid: One can of Campbell's Sephiroth Soup, safely on board.

Qu: Good. Now let's leave Canada and never come back.

**(CUT TO, QUICK JUMP, CUT TO)**

(In the cargo hold)

Str: So... How do we open this damned thing?

Sq: (Completes his Rubik's Cube) Elementary, my dear Straata. (Walks over to the barrel and slams a corner of the Rubik's Cube onto the barrel's top)

(The barrel suddenly splits perfectly in two)

Str: Damn...

Sq: (Holds the Rubik's Cube up high) Do not doubt ye power of yonder Rubik's Cube, my young child-ey apprentice thing.

Sep: (Sits in one of the barrel halves in the fetal position, rocking back and forth) It's... It's the only mission I've ever failed...

Ku: Yup, he's still crazy.

Vi: Can I use Thundaga on him? Please!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YAY! That's one chapter down. Everyone, hark and rejoice for the insanity that is here, and pray that I get those other damned notebooks back so this fic can make even less sense once it's all up in numerical order. :-)I)

In the meantime look foreward to CHAPTER 24 - Zombies, Monsters, Guns, And A Blonde... It's my Resident Evil 4 Tribute/\Parody.


End file.
